Needs Sugar

There are times in the game of life, when you are given a basket of metaphorical lemons. Pessimists will take this as a sign to give up where you stand and slink off to corners of the mind unknown to wallow in self pity. Optimists will take this as a sign to make the best of what they’re given, thus providing us with an age old saying; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.

I am neither a pessimistic person, nor quite an optimist. I see the glass and think “Where the fuck did my water go??” I am an everyday normal person, living an everyday normal life that gets your average run-of-the-mill monkey wrench thrown into my everyday normal plans.

My monkey wrench came in the form of an ever looming time limit I’d set in place for myself and a horrible economy. Thus, my search for a job whilst in Washington had come up on the empty side. And with February fast approaching, I knew Laurie and my original plans would have to be altered.

So I returned home, but not home. As my room was already in the midst of being turned into my father’s office, I found “refuge” of sorts. Staying with Laurie until she and I could put our newest version of The Plan into action.

The Plan (As of a couple days ago)

1. Get jobs in Eugene (Do ANYTHING that will get us money)
2. Rent a cheap but somewhat decent apartment here in Eugene.
3. Get good credit so we can get our own phone plan/not need a cosigner.
4. In April/May move to Portland and live happily ever after.

Certainly there are more sub-points to address, but in a summarized version that’s about all there is to it.

And even more certain is that it will be harder than it sounds when written (or rather typed) on paper, but I’m the kind of girl who always gets what I want. This is a challenge I refuse to back down from and I won’t settle for anything less than success. The level of success may vary, but I will have success nonetheless.

Sitting here, Laurie and I in comfortable silence, I can only think fondly of the days to come when we finally breach the land of adulthood. I also can’t wait for the long ride into the sunset, both of us not being the kind to gun it to the finish line. I couldn’t think of a better friend (save our missing link that was stolen by New York) to have such an adventure with than her.

We may still have a large sum of unknowns in our plan, but we’re moving forward; day by day hoping and wishing for change to come. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but we can wait. Laurie and I are surprisingly patient sometimes.

So because I’m just a normal person, living a normal life, I can be like an optimist. I can look at the lemons life has given me and try to make some lemonade. But it’s also that because I’m just a normal person that the pessimist in me will try my lemonade, scrunch my nose and say, “Needs more sugar.”

But that’s okay, I’ll drink it anyway.

All My Own

And so marks my first week of freedom (via my friend Brittany and her boyfriend Josh, but details!) and I must say that as much as I love it here, I can’t wait to be in Portland.

This New Year’s weekend was spent with good friends who I won’t be seeing again until my move to Portland in February, among them being Laurie. Saying goodbye to Laurie (for the second time I might add) was a heart breaking thing. The horrible feeling of being incomplete on the drive back up here worked as a fire starter for my want to move, making the flame even larger than it already had been.

That being said, I can’t wait to start looking for a job so I can begin saving up for our apartment. Nothing would make me happier than to be sharing this awesome feeling of freedom that I have right now with Laurie, she is the one person who I can not live without.

This life of mine that I’ve acquired is so comfortable. Despite the ill feelings I’ve harbored for Josh thus far, I am quite normal around him and not tense in the least. I love baby Kairi so much, and he may have been a jackass before, but he’s turning out to be a halfway decent father and I think that makes up for the way he treated Brittany. Or at least it’s a start.

I don’t think I could have picked a better place to spend these next two months than with Britt, Josh and Kairi. Though solo baby duty looms ahead for me, I’m not afraid. It is just another obsticle in my path, and as my brother and I say, I am a Peterson. I can and will survive anything – even when I don’t want to.

The future is a daunting thing, but of unknown variables and what if’s galore, but I’m sure that I can handle whatever is thrown my way with my head held high and my pride in tact. And if I don’t, I at least know I have friends who would help me do whatever I could to come out on top.

This life is all my own and I’m going to enjoy every minute of it the way I want. Adventure is on the horizon, and I can’t wait to grab the bull by the horns and see how long I can ride. (No sexual connotation intended, unless you want one to be there…)

A Needed Distraction

There’s something almost a little therapeutic about packing for a move. You have to take this room, which you’ve filled up with memories of everything about you – the good stuff, the bad stuff, the crap that made you think “What the fuck self?” and pack it all away.

Everything is neatly sorted, separated and categorized, folded and wrapped up, all to be put away into boxes, leaving behind bare walls and empty corners. It’s like taking your life, the mess that it may be, and attempting to make sense of it. It may be a total fail effort, but sometimes the thought really is what counts.

When I pack things away and look back at all that space that I just created, all this emptiness around me, I can almost feel the stress release its hold on me. I feel like every box I fill detaches me further from this place that I’ve never really wanted to be at. And my god… Does it feel good!

Most people feel melancholy when they pack, most people feel depressed when they realize they’re leaving the only place they’ve really called home. That makes sense, most people are leaving behind friends and family whom they love and care for deeply.

However, what do I have here?

Most of the friends I have now are in Portland, and two of the people I care most about are leaving soon after I do. Another has already left me.

So what holds me here? What do I have in this town to make me feel sad about leaving? My family?! They’re half – no, not right – they’re the whole reason I feel like I need out.

No friends. No family. No reason to be sad. I have no ties to hold me down, and so I feel almost elated when I’m packing. I only think to myself how I’m one step closer to the only thing that’s on my mind – freedom!

Never has a sweeter word fell from my lips than that of freedom. Not just the ideal – while it is a pretty thought – but the reality of freedom as well.

I can’t wait to delve into the nitty gritty adult world I’ve so been shielded from; worrying about bills, working that boring nine-to-five job, wondering if we’ll have enough food to last us the week.

That may scare you, but to me it’s something I’ve never gotten to experience. And while I may sound strange to be saying this, but I really cannot wait.

I want the whole she-bang. The pretty teenage thoughts of freedom – no rules, no curfew, whatever I want in the fridge. But I also want the other stuff too. I just want it. More than anything I’ve ever set my sights on. And when you’re so close you can taste it… There’s no better feeling.

So tonight I will go to sleep this (yet again) snowless Christmas Eve, but thoughts of sugar plums will be nowhere near my dreams. Instead, I will let my mind wander the what ifs I avoid, let myself think about all the endless possibilities and adventures Laurie and I might find ourselves on as the days until I am finally in the city I love slowly dissolve into the frost bitten air.

Ah, but before that, more of that glorious time waster known as packing must happen.

The 27th fastly approaches.

Misse

It’s A Fight For Your Life

Or at least in my case it is.

I’ve lived all of my life, or all that I can remember anyway, here in this sleepy little town. Eugene may be “Track Town U.S.A.” but mostly it’s just rainy, quiet, and, in my opinion, safe.

Now under normal circumstances, I would say that there’s nothing wrong with safe. But current circumstances in my life are… Less than normal. Thus calling for a different approach to my life.

My house hold is as such; myself, the baby of three kids, somewhat spoiled, but came out with a good head on her shoulders… My brother, going on 22 and still living at home, working a dead-end job and barely trying to change… My dad, a great person, amazing dad, but barely home to spend time with his family due to work… And then there is my mother.

I would say something along the lines of “I love my mother, really I do… BUT…” followed by all the reasons I DON’T love her, but I’m not one to lie to myself…

My mother has been the bane of my existence since hitting that “wonderful” thing called adolescence. Now, again, under normal circumstances, one would think that the feeling would pass. However, yet again, normal doesn’t work well with me.

What occurred due to my hitting adolescence was a “my way or the highway” attitude that butted heads with my mother’s own “my way or the highway” attitude, creating a gridlock that sprouted for a great dislike for my mother I haven’t been able to curb.

You can imagine that this would create for a tense at-home atmosphere, and you would be imagining right, but I’m sure not really as bad as it is in reality for me. When my mom is in a good mood, we’re all in a good mood. When she’s in a bad mood… We’re in a horrible mood.

Hence the need for an escape, you see.

So when a dear friend of mine suggested I live with her until I can manage to make my move to Portland, I couldn’t have jumped on that any quicker than I did.

In a sense, this really is a fight for my life. I’m just not doing any literal fighting, but more mental. I needed to save myself from this crushingly oppressive place, and by golly, I’m going to do it!

The move to Washington is scheduled for after Christmas. Tentatively said, as with Washington/Oregon weather in winter, you can never be sure if today might bring about that thing called snow.

After that, the plan for Portland is sometime in February. Laurie will be joining me there, as she’s staying here in Eugene… Rather alone and sad…

From there the real point of this blog will surface. You might ask yourself, well what is the point? …Well, you would if you gave a rat’s ass about this, but nevertheless.

The point?

The point is that for all the years I can remember living in Eugene, I’ve never really lived in Eugene. I had the typical places I knew; the bus station, the malls, the library, where all the good grocery stores were, etc… but I never really took the time to find the hidden gems of this town that I’ve called home since I was five.

Well that won’t be so when I’m living in Portland.

I was up visiting my brother a while back, during the summer or early fall if I remember right… He took me around the streets of downtown Portland and knew so much. “Over this way is a great coffee place, oh and that place there has amazing food.” I was almost a little jealous of how well he knew the city he lived in, while the same couldn’t be said for me.

So back to the point.

I plan to never spend a boring night at home, complaining to Laurie about how bored I am and about how we should do something, but end up not doing anything. It shall not be so. We’ll go out and eat at random restaurants – ordering the first thing we see on the menu and eating it, even if we hate whatever is in it! Talking to people we meet on the street, going in to stores we would have otherwise ignored. Simple things like that, but to Laurie and me… It will be an adventure… Everyday.

Of course we will be talking about our mini-adventures into Downtown Portland here, complete with commentary and pictures! Why, isn’t life grand?

Misse